For The Brokenhearted: Those Who Have Lost Friendships

Welcome to the first part of a series that is targeted at dealing with the many things that shatter our hearts into a million pieces

For me, nothing in the world is more beautiful than friendships. Seeing two or more people share so much of their life together lights up my heart in a way that nothing else does. The vulnerability, fun, comfort, and enthusiasm that is present among genuine friends is something I love watching and one of the major blessings of my own life.

I can tell countless tales of how friends have been the difference between myself and disaster, but let me tell you one of how friends stopped me from self-imploding. There was this time when I was overwhelmed with the weight of work and responsibilities. In that period, I traveled almost every three days and one time, I went to and fro states in a single day. Furthermore, I had writing gigs to complete, as well as reading and preparing for speeches and competitions. My stress levels were through the roof, and on top of all that, I was plagued with recurring malaria, which knocked me out almost every night.

Yet, I got through those days thanks to three of my friends; each of them performing different but vital roles. One of them allowed me to crash at his place every night and majorly eat from him. He also allowed me to use his laptop for my jobs and gigs. (I forgot to add that my laptop was stolen, so I was without one). The second friend played the motherly role of fussing over me and threatening me. She just let me know that someone knew how I really felt. Whenever she called and asked how I was doing, especially after I just put up a strong front at a meeting, it felt like going home to a bed and a hug. One of my favorite things in that period was running into her at a park on one of my trips. The encounter is forever etched in my brain.

The last friend was far away (about 16 hours by road), but one night, exhausted as hell and almost breaking- I called her. She spoke for a long time and prayed for me, and I somehow found the strength to go on. The point of this is that friends have made me. Their recommendations, introductions, financial support, and help when I messed up have been invaluable.

Therefore, for me, to lose something that beautiful; to have it torn away from you for any reason at all can be heart-wrenching. And I believe this is the same for anyone that has ever enjoyed the bond of true friendship.

It is for these people; those who have known the depths of friendship and then felt the hollowness of its absence that I write this piece. Those who have lost friends not to the cold hands of death but to the colder hands of quarrels, silence, and indifference; those who had someone they could cry with and laugh with, and are hurting because that person has decided that there is no longer space in their lives for them. It is for them that I write this.

Interestingly, I also have stories of the painful loss of friends I thought I would have for life. There was a friend that was a major part of my life, we spoke often and we had several activities together. It was quite a beautiful friendship. Then all of a sudden, she pulled away. Ignored calls and went silent. It was painful to watch her go. Although we are cool now, that period created a gap that ended the richness and depth of the friendship in a painful way.

We may not talk about it as much, but sometimes, the pain from losing genuine friendship bonds can be as hard as a breakup in a romantic relationship.

Dealing with the loss of friendship

Losing close and meaningful friendships is never easy, no matter the cause. If you can avoid it, you should, but in case you haven’t been able to and you are hurting from the loss of a friend, I may have some words for you.

However, before I give you my advice, I must make it clear that I do not have the monopoly of wisdom on how to handle pain. The things I will mention are things that have worked for me at different times, but I realize that pain is a difficult visitor; her demands and expectations on each of us are never the same and so dealing with her will usually take unique wisdom. Yet, I am sure that something from what I say will help you manage her.

Now that I have said that, let’s discuss how to mend our hearts when the loss of friendship has torn them to shreds.

The First Step: Have the right mindset concerning pain and loss.

The first thing you must know is that it is okay to feel pain and loss for someone walking away from your life. In friendship, love is real, so accept the pain of its destruction when it becomes irreparable. Don’t hide from it or assume that it makes you weak to admit it. It is okay to feel hurt.

For me, this was something I couldn’t do at first. The first time I lost a genuine friend, I initially convinced myself that it was nothing. I pretended to be indifferent, to not notice or not feel the absence. However, I realized that it didn’t heal the pain that sprang up when I randomly saw the person or encountered something that reminded me of the person. Only after I let myself accept that I had lost something valuable to me and that it was okay to feel the loss did the intensity of the hurt begin to subside.

Another crucial mindset that you must have towards the loss of friendships is realizing that though your friendships make up the things that define you, they are not the entirety of your definition, and the beautiful thing for the human being is that we can always redefine ourselves. What this allows you to do is let go. Yes, that friendship mattered to you. Yes, the loss of it hurt you, but that loss doesn’t have to define you.

Accept the pain of losing someone(s) that means so much to you, but also ensure that you do not suddenly believe that losing them is something that cannot be replaced. It can, and you should open your heart out to receive and give such love again.

Second Step: Let go of resentment

The second thing you must never do is hold resentment. Resentment hurts you more than it hurts anyone else. Statistics say that people who hang on to grudges are more likely to experience severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as other health conditions.

Just let the person go and sincerely wish them well. You may even take steps to convince your heart that the person who caused it so much pain should not be locked up in a cage, but instead released. Such steps can be praying for the person, recommending their service or business (if it is good), etc. Release them and let them go. It takes strength to be generous even in hurt.

Third Step: Grow

Become a better person; you attract your kind of people. The better you become at heart, in kindness and wisdom, the better the quality of people you attract, and soon, you will find love, in friendship, again.

This step is a little personal for me because I have seen it happen over and over again in my life. Some of the most valuable friendships I have today have come on the other side of intentional kindness and care. Today, the person that I would call my closest friend, who has supported me a great deal, is someone that I gained by simply being courteous and kind in our first interactions. Be a good person and in no time, you will attract good people to your life.

In addition to the fact that becoming a better person brings you into contact with like-minded individuals, the process of transformation and becoming itself is healing. Enjoy and embrace your process of changing and it will also help your heart heal.

One Last thing…For those without friends

I once met someone who had no friends. Who thought all friendships were staged and unnecessary. She went all solo and kept people at an arm’s length. Here was my advice to her, and it is the same for you if you don’t have genuine friendships:

Friendship has the capacity to hurt you because true friendship involves love, and where love exists, pain is possible. However, to allow the fear of pain to stop you from enjoying the raptures of love is unwise; for true friendship will always deliver more love than pain, and many times, the pains it delivers, it will also heal. Furthermore, if there is anything that hitting the gym and working out teaches us, it is that sometimes, the pain is worth it.

Finally, if your heart is breaking from the loss of the love and companionship of friendship, may healing come.